2002-05-15 ± 6:46 p.m.
not so original thoughts...

as I was driving home today I noticed a helicopter flying low above the meager houston skyline. Sitting there amongst a slew of fellow rush-hourers, I couldn't help but wonder how many of us were at that moment concentrating on this helicopter. I thought about the people in the helicopter...looking down to see tinker toy size houses and rodent sized cars. And I wondered if somehow, because more of us (on the ground) were consciously aware of the helicopter's presence, the people inside that helicopter were more real, more alive, almost more important.

now when I say important I don't really mean more vital to the rotation of the earth on its axis, or any proximation. what I was thinking was almost cartesian (or was it hume?). When things are completely unobserved, they might as well not exist (the tree falling in the woods bit), and though the effects of the things existence might be noticed...if the cause is never stated can it ever be valued? So driving in stinky Houston traffic I'm assaulted by the lifelessness of my presence. The lack of attention I'm calling to myself.

And then I realize that I'm a particular brand of dumb ass. The type who constantly and consciously searches for an original thought or idea to propell them into the elite circle of "thinkers."

and I realize that, just as there are scores of people living through Joseph K.-esqe experiences (somehow reading Kundera brings out the Kafka in me...communisim is like this weird club...oh wait)there are scores of pseudo-intellectuals waxing philosophical about helicopters, descartes, and indispensability.

and then, in two shakes, I'm a complete nihilist. A pouting little angst ridden girl...if I can't have an original thought, a monumentous contribution, an unrivaled existence, well then, I might as well be the gum on your shoe.

And I know that one can be indispensable to a few people, and that this should be enough to satiate the ego.

and I'm not depressed by my lack of celebrity or my inability to fly a helicopter.

I am, however, slightly depressed by the revolving revelation that thinking too much is the curse that has constructed a transparent (yet solid) wall between ignorant bliss and my facticity.

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update - 2003-11-04
girl...you'll be a woman...soon. - 2003-08-12