2001-10-28 ± 11:16 a.m.
oh won't you save me...

writing about the cyclic nature of my existence has even fallen into repetition.

Will I ever become internally organized? Each time I think that I've sufficiently dealt with a question, or theory, or relationship and tucked it away for safekeeping...I go to pull something else off the shelf and I start an avalanche of insecurities and re-examinations, which result in the utter befuddlement of self.

I don't want this for myself. But yet I realise that I must at least be tacitly choosing it. My actions and lack of action have landed me just where I loathe to be: confused and discontent. I sometimes wish for a less self-aware psyche. I've grown pale and weary questioning my motives and inclinations. Has my constant philosophizing given me nothing but despair? Of course it has! I need only to look at the prose of Sartre and Dostoevsky to know that I was doomed from the get-go. If I had been a bit more original and insightful, as they were, I might at least have my legacy to take comfort in.

but hell. could I stop? stop the thoughts that assault me in silence, during faculty meetings, and at halloween galas at the gay bars? Probably not.

Perhaps what I need (surprise surprise) is a kindred...someone who feels the same...so that I can stop repeating myself..stop reminding myself.

and I could move the fuck on.

what's love got to do with it? - 2004-09-29
noquierosoyabogada - 2004-09-21
I do not aspire to be cast in a lawyer joke - 2004-02-10
update - 2003-11-04
girl...you'll be a woman...soon. - 2003-08-12