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2001-10-30 ± 12:06 p.m.
bang bang on the door baby
I've been practicing nonchalance. Trying out ambivalence. running my fingertips over apathy. and all I have is emotion terse, painful, unexpected and all that I want...all that I need to re-gain control is for you to wrestle with this sickness. the shakes the tears the malfunctioning steering wheel. but you won't even get in the damn car. and here I am...where nothing short of the jaws of life will open my door.
as if it weren't pathetic enough to be me...I fight via instant messanger in lieu of a phone during my lunch:
sorry this is sloppy...I'll fix it later
Kelly says:
I will call you when I get home from school. Let me know if that's not ok. I should be home around 5:30 my time.
denis says:
are you there
Kelly says:
yeah I'm here
denis says:
are you teaching right now
Kelly says:
no
denis says:
are you busy]
Kelly says:
not really
denis says:
what's going on?
Kelly says:
nothing
denis says:
why are you so upset?
Kelly says:
I'm not "so" upset...I'm just upset
denis says:
you said you couldn't sleep
denis says:
you didn't answer your phone
Kelly says:
I was asleep when you called
Kelly says:
I go to bed at 10pm
denis says:
It says you sent the e-mail at 11:45
Kelly says:
that was sunday night
Kelly says:
you called last night
denis says:
oh
denis says:
you could have called me in cleveland if you wanted to talk so much
Kelly says:
that's not the point. the point is that you said you'd call. I knew that you would be busy so I waited for you to call when you had time...because you said you would call. and you didn't.
denis says:
o.k., I didn't call when I said I would.
denis says:
I still don't understand why you get so upset
Kelly says:
denis...when you do things like that it makes me feel pathetic. it makes me feel like I'm always being let down..and that I let it happen to me. that I let myself be walked on.
Kelly says:
and usually I don't say anything...but I just wanted you to know that I was upset
denis says:
o.k kelly, I'm retroactively upset at you for being out with friends when you previously told me to call you. WHO CARES!
Kelly says:
what? I always call you back
denis says:
Of course you do.
Kelly says:
I care because I look forward to talking to you and when you don't call it makes me feel like you don't want to, make time to, care to talk to me
Kelly says:
I understand that you don't intend to make me feel that way
Kelly says:
but I still think that it's important that I let you know how you make me feel
denis says:
of course
Kelly says:
and I hate that this issue is so cyclic. I know that you're busy...I'm busy too. I know that you're not always thinking about me...I'm not always thinking about you. But I feel that I'm always considerate and responsible when it comes to calling, etc.
Kelly says:
and I get frustrated when I don't feel that I get the same consideration in return
denis says:
I hate to pull this out because I think it's too obvious and it makes me sound whiney. But, with all due respect, you have no idea of how busy I am. You would be singing a different tune if you were in my shoes. And I'm not complaining about getting a job or the position I'm in, in general. But I should tell you, I get less concessions from you than any other person in my life.
denis says:
and it pisses me off
Kelly says:
I'm not saying you're not busy
denis says:
I know
Kelly says:
that's not at all what I'm saying
Kelly says:
can you in all honesty say that you were too busy all weekend to call me?
Kelly says:
I don't think you can
denis says:
no, I can't
Kelly says:
I don't want it to be a chore for you to call me. I want you to want to call me. and I can't understand why I so often seem to fall so far down on your list of things to do. I reiterate...it makes me feel as though I'm a schmuck...like I put up with stuff that I shouldn't put up with.
Kelly says:
are you still there?
denis says:
yeah
Kelly says:
I don't tell you these things because I like to/want to fight with you. I tell you these things because they make me upset and I want to deal with them so that they will stop making me upset.
denis says:
ok
Kelly says:
but you only ever try to defend yourself...I'
Kelly says:
I'm not trying to attack you
denis says:
You read my mind
Kelly says:
I'm trying to tell you how I feel in the hopes that things will change
denis says:
That I will change
Kelly says:
no denis. that you will take responsibility for your actions and lack of actions
Kelly says:
I'm not asking you to call me everyday
denis says:
Take responsibility
denis says:
how will I be held responsible
Kelly says:
I'm simply asking you to put in a bit of effort...to not see this as a time consuming obligation or as something that doesn't need maintainance
denis says:
this is a drag
denis says:
like I don't put in a but of effort ever
Kelly says:
of course it's a drag...but I feel like this all the time
denis says:
bit
denis says:
????/
Kelly says:
all I'm saying is that this seems to be a bigger deal to me...I'm constantly feeling shitty about this...and i don't like it
Kelly says:
and I can't just stop because you think that it's silly or unfounded
Kelly says:
and it's not because you don't call every once in a while when you say you will.
Kelly says:
and when you have nothing to say save being offended and/or pissed off...I feel like none of it matters to you at all.
Kelly says:
I wish that you would say something
denis says:
I'm at a loss
Kelly says:
how do you feel denis?
denis says:
So,so dissapointed
Kelly says:
dissapointed because?
Kelly says:
disappointed in me?
denis says:
in all this
Kelly says:
I don't understand what you mean....disappointed in this conversation? in this relationship?
Kelly says:
disappointed that I can't read your mind?
Kelly says:
you need to tell me how you feel or I'll never know. you need to tell me why you're disappointed
denis says:
It's a feeling. It's not rational. I can't explain why when peoples expectations are shifted from happy things to shitty things, they get dissapointed. Here I am
Kelly says:
you're feeling shitty because I'm upset...
Kelly says:
but you don't think that my discontent is justified so you feel disappointed...by my irrationality?
denis says:
Just everything taken together, the totality of circumstances. I was in a different place last night before I walked in my room last night to turn on my computer.
Kelly says:
I'm sorry that your good mood was spoiled...but I was crying on and off sunday night and all day yesterday
Kelly says:
and thi relationship is not only about you. I want you to be happy. I try to make you happy. I do things, I say things to try to make you happy.
Kelly says:
and I'm not fuming mad at you...I'm sad...I'm upset...I'm not pissed off or angry
Kelly says:
I'm not sitting around thinking that I never want to see you again...or that I'm don't want to be with you. I'm sitting around thinking that I'm not happy and that things aren't going the way that I want them to.
denis says:
Are you still coming up on thursday
Kelly says:
do you want me to?
denis says:
Yes
Kelly says:
then I'm coming.
denis says:
how much was the ticket
Kelly says:
176....are you trying to change the subject?
denis says:
not per se
Kelly says:
then...
denis says:
forget it
Kelly says:
what?
denis says:
What do you want?
Kelly says:
I want you to acknowledge that my feelings are valid. I want you to let me know how you feel. I want you to say that you want to make things work. I want you to say that even though you didn't intentionally mean to hurt me...you're sorry that I feel this way and that even though you're super busy you'll try to be more considerate in the future. and then I actually want you to be more considera
Kelly says:
te in the future
denis says:
I have to go
Kelly says:
that's it...?
Kelly says:
if you're pissed off at me tell me. just tell me anything
denis says:
I am mad
denis says:
I am upset
Kelly says:
can you tell me why?
denis says:
not right now
Kelly says:
because you think I'm wrong?
denis says:
we will talk later
Kelly says:
because you think I'm asking too much?
denis says:
I have to make a phone call to new york
denis says:
I think, In the grand scheme of my life, it is more important right now. We can discuss this on the phone later'
Kelly says:
I understand that you have priorities...I don't understand why you can't tell me how you feel (or more importantly...why you feel the way you do)
Kelly says:
we can talk later.
unsent note to denis (just conceived) I AM NOT AN ACCESSORY
what's love got to do with it? - 2004-09-29
noquierosoyabogada - 2004-09-21
I do not aspire to be cast in a lawyer joke - 2004-02-10
update - 2003-11-04
girl...you'll be a woman...soon. - 2003-08-12
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