2001-12-01 ± 9:24 p.m.
for every season turn turn turn.....

I can feel myself changing in ways I'd never imagined.

yesterday I was reveling in the relationship that I have with my students...they look up to me. they view me as someone with knowledge and authority...but also as someone young enough to be hip and approachable (unfortunately some of the boys find me too approachable...

"Miss tienes esposo?"

"No William I don't have a husband."

"Quieres ir conmigo?"

"No thank you William, Yo tengo un novio."

"Oh, el es un cholo?"

"No William he's not a gangster...he's a lawyer."

"Oh....un abogado!"

but aside from the sexual advances of my sixteen year old students...I enjoy being the older sister...or young aunt for my students. I think that my age has offered me an automatic "in" with them...and yesterday I was having a difficult time picturing myself as a forty year old woman in front of a classroom. I have no desire to be a mother figure for these kids.

But then today I was, for some reason, wondering about how my life would be if I got married and had children. Would I stay at home for the first few years of their life...I'm fairly sure I would. Then I went a step further and thought "I'd just work out of my home...writing or something...that's realistic." Then I stepped back and realized.... I'm thinking about my life as a mother...as a forty year-old. These are situations I've never been able to (or wanted to) see myself in.

Growing up is the single most fucked up thing I've ever experienced. I feel as though it's completely out of my hands. Maternal visions and career decisions.

Why can't I just stay here forever. Not in Texas...In twenty-two. twenty-two is good for me.

When my younger sister was six years old my father asked her if she would please stay six forever. My sister liked the idea and promised him that she would indeed remain six for all enternity. In Febuary as her birthday grew near panic ensued...she was crushed...she could not for the little six year old life of her figure out a way to stay six.

My father still razzes her for breaking her promise.

what's love got to do with it? - 2004-09-29
noquierosoyabogada - 2004-09-21
I do not aspire to be cast in a lawyer joke - 2004-02-10
update - 2003-11-04
girl...you'll be a woman...soon. - 2003-08-12